Today seems like a very poignant day for me. It isn’t a birthday or an anniversary but it is exactly five days since wee twins turned eighteen months old. The exact age that big twins were when wee twins were born. It was a planned c section so I knew the date in advance and had everything organised to the nth degree for their arrival. I can remember the evening before like it was yesterday. I don’t think I have ever felt so nervous in all my life.
There is always guilt attached to being a Mum of multiples. From the moment they are born they have to share your attention. One is left to cry whilst the other is fed, when both cry at the same time in the night who do you soothe first? It takes longer to bond because I never felt like I could lie on the bed or the sofa and let one sleep on me because one would always be left out and then they would want to sleep like that all the time. Guilt, guilt and more guilt.
The morning I left for hospital to have my wee twins I not only felt nervous but a massive burden of guilt on my shoulders. My twins Lily and Daisy, who were still my little babies, had always had to share my love and attention and now they were going to have share me with two more little people. How on earth was I going to give everyone the love they needed? The short answer to that is I couldn’t! I am lucky to have my Mum and my Sister close by and they helped us, my child-minder helped us and my child-minder’s best friend is a maternity nurse and four weeks in we needed her help too. I tried to so hard to be everything for everyone and sleep deprived and emotional me and hubster were close to killing each other. Karyn helped to save our sanity and our marriage and brought some much needed laughter back into the house. At the time I felt like a failure I thought after already having twins I should be able to do it all again and asking for help made me weak. But Karyn made it possible for me to spend some time with big twins and wee twins and she eased some of my guilt.
So in this blog I would like to thank all those people who have helped us and kept our children’s lives relatively normal. I have to confess wee twins have yet to experience a trip to the park or a dip in the swimming pool but as everyone gets older I hope this will become possible. Me and hubster aren’t perfect and we do have blazing rows but for the most part the fab four are surrounded by love and laughter and a circle of extended family and friends to shower them with attention.
Do I still feel guilty? Yes every day for some reason or another and I don’t think that will ever change. But when I see the big twins laughing and giggling and playing with their little sisters and see the close bond all four are going to have I think that will make up for all the times when one of them was left to cry.